When you drive a car, there must be many vehicles passing by you at a higher and lower speeds. Do you get anxious for not getting the way by focusing on all of them? Do you focus only on your drive and ignore others? Or you focus on how to get your way out while considering other cars and reach your destination. At the same time, space and time is created for others to have their drive and reach their destination. So, what is selfishness?
The combination of ‘self’ and ‘ish’ is selfish. Selfishness is a virtue. It is simply focusing on yourself amidst others. It is focusing on ourselves without ignoring others. It is feeling, thinking, doing for one’s own self, for one’s own growth and development. Selfishness is an important element of Great wisdom that a human striving for greatness in life should have in him. It is necessary to our survival instinct in nature. Big words like compassion and generosity are built on self-love while selfishness is a mandatory component of self-love. So, never shy from being selfish. First feel, fulfill yourself then fulfill others along with yourself. It simply means, you ‘focus’ ‘prioritize’ and ‘value’ YOU.
And, what is not selfish?
Selfishness does not mean rejecting others. It’s not self- obsession, self-centeredness, it is not narcissism. Selfishness is not fulfilling one’s interest at the cost of others. All I am saying is make yourself the ‘focus’ the ‘center’ of everything! Doesn’t mean you eliminate or ignore the world! There is also nothing called good selfishness or bad selfishness; it is a virtue of self-love which is mandatory to reach your full potential.
Selfishness and self-love. Is being selfish morally wrong?
Selfishness is a necessary condition for self-love. It means working for oneself, for one’s own happiness and fulfillment. Selfishness is being concerned with one’s one interest, but it’s not at the cost of others, therefore how can it be immoral and unethical. There is no ‘ego’ in being selfish. Make yourself the center, the focus point of the world around. Here, you don’t ignore the world, it still functions. It will be hypocritical to talk about the well-being of the world but you are not taking enough care of yourself, who is part of this world. While morality itself is subject to the cultural construct of society. Be selfish to that extent, that no one loves you more than you. If you do, everyone will fall in love with you. Also, you will be more compassionate and generous only when your bottle of loving yourself is full. Then it flows to others too and inspires them to be selfish and start thinking about themselves.
If someone tells you, you are being selfish, they are basically saying you are not doing what ‘they wish’ but you are doing what ‘you wish’ to do. Why should you do what others wish you should? So next time when someone says you are selfish, you will know what they mean.
I was boarding a plane and reaching my seat. Usually I ‘rush’ to put my luggage in the overhead bins because other people are behind waiting, but, this time i decided to just ‘focus’ on myself! To my surprise, I was able to load the luggage in much less time, didn’t get hurt (in the past I have gotten hurt), felt in control, and was able to get out of the way for others in much less time! It increased my efficiency and focus. Selfishness (focusing on yourself in the midst of others) really is a win-win!! This is the most simple example that I can give.
What is the opposite of selfishness? Other-ish?
Selflessness, sacrifice, generosity is not the opposite of selfishness. These are mandatory qualities to a selfish being.
The negative extreme of selfishness is self-centeredness or narcissism while the positive extreme is Altruism(Great generosity) while the opposite of being selfish is ‘being otherish’. When you only think of others and try to please them then you are being otherish. And when you only think of yourself it is not selfish it is self-centeredness, it’s being a narcissist. Be selfish, not otherish. Don’t try to please others, please yourself. And to be selfish, you have to be honest. This will reduce lots of stress, fear, anxiety, etc that you probably would go through if you always make yourself please others. No matter what sacrifices you make, to what extent you live for others, you are going to be called selfish by someone anyway!
Had Bill Gates not thought about his own desire and needs, would he be able to serve humanity on such a massive scale? Selflessness on other hand is actually a beginner’s action. A child when is born learns to love its mother first, then others too eventually as he grows he learns to think about himself and love himself. While true love roots in the foundation of selfishness. That’s why true love is ‘self-love’. You become the source of love that flows to others. Selflessness is not the opposite of selfishness. Selflessness is actually the beginning of selfishness. Selfless love alone is forced, it is draining, it is done at expense of oneself/own-self. I call it wannabe love. Hence, it is a beginner thing, an initial to self love i:e true love. So, if you love someone, observe, if it energizes you or drains you, if it energizes you more then you truly love yourself and through that love happens between beings. This now becomes the source of energy again. Hence, there is a flow of higher intensity of energy and not the drain of energy. It is automatic/natural not forced, like selfless love.
The process of self-growth is rooted in selfishness
It eventually leads to bigger pictures of giving, generosity, and uplifting others. When you feel fulfilled and satisfied, then only you overflow to others. Selfishness leads to generosity and generosity eventually leads to altruism that leads to greatness. This also does not mean that you need to fulfill all your desires and then only contribute to others’ lives. Your contribution to others life is also very much part of your self-growth, It makes you feel good and happy, it uplifts you to do more. I have personally gone through a lot, in the name of generosity I have written lots of cheques and done many such things, but frankly, when I look back on those acts, I understand I was deceiving myself. I was just trying to please others, or maybe I was trying to get somebody’s attention or maybe I was trying for someone to love me, almost trying to buy love. Maybe I never enjoyed it, maybe it never gave me happiness. It in fact has led to expectation. On other hand if I had been generous as an outcome of being selfish, it would have been a different thing. So, I would say generosity is an evolved version of selfishness. And altruism is the apex of selfishness.
Be selfish to focus on yourself. Focusing on yourself brings huge energy!
Selfishness leads you to focusing on yourself. It will make you work on your health, make you work hard enough to earn great wealth, and go through the complete process of growth through great wisdom. This is necessary to realize your full potential! When you are selfish, you are able to say NO to a thousand things and YES to what matters to you most. It makes you say ‘NO’ to 999 things and yes to 1, as it is led by self-interest and fulfillment. Hence enhances your focus. Selfishness means self-focus rather than being self-involved. So you can squeeze every little drop of juice out of life and become who YOU CAN become! This is ‘your life’! and it must be lived for you by you! When you focus on yourself then you lead yourself. You lead your thoughts, your actions. This is the initial stage of leadership. Unless you don’t lead yourself how can you lead others and how can you make more leaders. When you lead yourself you are high on energy with a purpose and aim to achieve. So, you know how you love the lead characters of a wonderful movie, it’s mostly because they do what they themselves wanted to do, for themselves and them for others.
May all beings live their life for them, by them and in this way, may all beings become fulfilled!
Be selfish to be authentic, happier, attractive, and always charismatic. Well, it takes courage, guts and some kind of personal strength to be selfish. It also oozes great personal strength!
It takes a great deal of personal strength to be selfish. So, to be selfish you have to become strong. It is not easy to be selfish, that’s why people are easily attracted to other behaviors as we are social animals living in culture and tradition. Like doing sacrifices of oneself, becoming followers of others, or giving life in the name of religion. Talking about military people giving life, they let go of their life to save someone they love, it comes to the survival of oneself or someone you love. Now, selfishness also gives you strength and power that cascades across in the form of charisma, the appeal of personality for people to be inspired with. You have a great deal of emotional discipline and personal strength. It takes courage and effort to be selfish. You will need to say no to many things you do not agree to or want.
Why are so many human relationships complex and unhappier? How to become a source of true/authentic love?
Under the false conceptualisation of selflessness and sacrifice you forget your needs and you focus on others needs. You don’t even know what others’ needs are. No matter how many years you have been together, it’s practically impossible to know in a given moment what other persons’ wishes and needs are. We are constantly projecting ourselves onto others and that’s what creates all these complex relationships. We, humans, have expectations, conflicts, frustrations, and are not happy in our relationships. So, here we are genuinely trying to be selfless and satisfy someone’s needs but naturally, we hold expectations and when those expectations are not met we become unhappy. Now, when we focus on our own needs and if the other person focuses on his or her needs, both the person is happy and the relationship becomes beautiful. And then the rise of love for others which is the outcome or the epiphenomenon of self-love then that is true, authentic, and genuine love. You become the source. It’s` without you becoming a vacuum or you without having to subtract something from yourself for another person. Here, nothing depletes from you for the sake of others. Hence, selfishness becomes a critical practice.
This is the way to having the best relationship with oneself and the best relationship with others. Selfishness helps you to fulfill your needs. Hence, You are no needier. Even in sexual approaches you need to be selfish, both the beings involved should think about their needs and demand it from each other. Evolutionary biologists suggest that selfishness is the reason behind why we collaborate as a species and why there is reciprocity (direct or indirect reciprocity) coevolution, a win-win aspect to human’s coexistence. Especially women and girls need to be selfish, the best way to care about others is to first care about yourself…be ‘grounded’ like the tree who realizes its full potential by first fulfilling its own needs and then serving others in various forms.
There is nothing called good selfishness or bad selfishness. It is a virtue rooted in the nature of survival.
When nature wants you to survive as a being, as a community, and humanity as a whole then selfishness becomes the foundation for survival. In other words, nature wants you to be selfish, it’s the culture, tradition, religion, the politicians, the gurus, and the parents who consciously or unconsciously spread this negativity and unacceptability. Choose enterprise over ease. Richard Dawkins in his book, the selfish gene he explains how we are a survival machine, and survival is rooted in the ‘selfishness of genes’. At the very core of our being and our existence, we are selfish. Nature has designed us to be selfish. Why? Because then, we can evolve individually as well as a species. Nature is telling us and we are ignoring it and that is why we are suffering so much. Under the name of sacrifice, people are committing suicide of their hopes and dreams. For instance, in most of the typical traditional families, a married woman sacrifices their wishes, hopes, and dreams for the sake of their parents, husbands, and children. And many do not even have the realization of the wrong done to them. In such a patriarchal society, all the religious and political leaders want you to follow them and serve their purpose. So, you are taught ‘don’t be selfish’ since childhood to suicide your dreams and serve their purpose instead of yours. Even men are raised to fulfill their parents’ dreams to a large extent, parents look for support for old age and secure their own future. While as a human even parent should work hard and become self-sufficient and let your children flourish, fulfill their dreams. All, this seems to be very primitive for this day and age. It was ok when living in a tribe was necessary for survival. But, not today! Now, we live in a global society, where everyone as an individual needs to realize their full potential.
And last but not the least, evolve to self-love!
When we used to live in the caves we used to be in groups, tribes and that was important to survive. As we socialized the sense of community was important. There were less reasoning and scientific explanation to situations and events. Humans, generally, were ignorant. All ignorance is the reason to ‘fear’. Fear united people in forms of groups, tribes, and communities for safety from uncertainty. Selfless love was one way of survival. But through years of the evolutionary process, now, you can survive by yourself. Through years of understanding, scientific inventions, and explanation, the ‘fear’ is reduced. There is more wisdom. Now you don’t need to follow others, do selfless love anymore, as a new age generation you should go beyond it. Remember, your genes are selfish, life is selfish and I will say, true love, is selfish! So, if you want to realize your full potential then be selfish, start loving yourself, focus on yourself, and lead yourself, then be satisfied with personal growth and serve others while serving yourself and reach greatness!
