“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.”

—Veronica A. Shoffstall

Self – Love in Mahatman is a power that nurtures and builds; it is not to be mistaken for narcissism and self-delusion. It is for this reason that the Mahatman concept of love is based on the attitude of humility – I am only too aware of the complexities and intricacies of human relationships and so very consciously and humbly I say that the only real way to love another is by loving oneself. It is arrogance to think that two people can understand each other, let alone be fused together in love. An individual is virtually a universe by himself or herself – just think of all the influences from the first day of this person’s life which has gone to make the person that he or she is today – all the myriad experiences, thoughts and feelings which make up his or her personality at this moment. How can two individuals even begin to understand this enormous and complex universe that each of them is inhabiting? This is the reason Mahatman adopts an attitude of extreme humility where Love is concerned and believes that the only person we can really understand and therefore truly love is our own self. But mark how true self-love helps us become more aware of our deepest thoughts, fears, and motivations. The more aware we are of ourselves, the better we will be able to seek and make loving relationships.

Conventional advice on love talks about innumerable ways and strategies to build relationships. But think for a moment – what control do you really have over the thoughts, feelings and actions of another human being? No matter how much you trust him or her, is that enough for that person to be faithful to you? No matter how much you give and sacrifice, is it any guarantee that you will receive in the same measure? None at all. So why this preoccupation about how someone else should feel and think about you, why so much energy wasted on attempts at influencing his or her behaviour towards you? It is sheer impracticality to commit so much time, energy, and resources into another person over whose emotional and behavioral choices you have no control.

Indeed this unhealthy need to control others has been responsible for heinous abuses in the name of ‘love’. Somewhere a husband prevents his wife from working because he loves her so much that he cannot bear her to leave the house to have a career; somewhere a woman ‘loves’ her boyfriend so much that she gets angry when he hangs out with his friends or goes for a game of golf. Parents love’ their children so much that they decide what their kid will study, where he or she will work and even who he or she will marry. On the other hand, a child can ‘love’ parents so much that he or she wants the power of attorney over their assets so that the old couple need not be bothered about financial things. All these are expressions of manipulation and abuse, unfortunately carried out in the guise of ‘love’.

Instead follow the Mahatman concept of love which says the only relationship worth building and nurturing is the one with your own self. Invest in acquiring valuable skills, high self-esteem, positive experiences; take time to look after your health, and make the effort to look your best. All these Self-love practices will make you so attractive that potential partners are bound to be drawn to you. So rather than getting bogged down by tips and tricks to get a partner to think, feel and do your bidding, channel all that energy towards a goal where all your efforts will reap the greatest reward – your own self.

Finally I believe that Self-love is the surest way to enjoy a relationship because it makes for a continuous stream of positive emotions – a stream that will never run dry so long as you love and respect yourself the most. You love yourself so much that it organically flows out of you and towards people you are close to.

But to experience the full benefits of Mahatman way of loving, you have to keep in mind that self-love is not greed or vanity or pride. When you blow up your entire paycheck on a pair of shoes that will be dated the very next season or binge drink just because you have won that coveted contract, you are definitely not acting out of Self – love. Instead these are harmful actions that would make you poorer in your resources.

Most importantly, Self Love is not self-centredness when you don’t care whether your actions are hurting others as long as they make you feel good. Let me see if I can explain this with a real-life example. Self Love is taking time off during the weekend to go to an art gallery or attend a meditation retreat on your own whereas self-centredness will be dragging along an unwilling partner. In case of the latter, your action is driven by that elusive  – and ultimately mistaken – desire to feel good but it ends up causing self-harm, through ruined relationships.

Mahatman says that in the state of true Self-love, when you reach out to a significant other – be it your partner, parent or child – you do it from a position of strength and maturity. You already know that you are a being who is full of potential, skills, goals and energy, who is worthy of and is already treated with respect, kindness and promise. Hence you engage in relationships not from a state of neediness but in order to give generously and fully. In this way, Self Love frees you from the needy, dependent bondage which has unfortunately been glorified in pop culture as ‘love’.

Then there are those who put forward Respect as an alternative to Love, believing that if you replace the sentimentality, desire and control associated with romantic Love with the regard and esteem for a loved one, the relationship can be more fulfilling. While respect is more mature than love, my point is, even that cannot guarantee a trouble-free relationship. You may deeply respect your partner but he or she may not reciprocate with the same regard for you, at all. What then – are you going to rage and cry and throw a tantrum over how your partner is not respecting you? Or are you going to swallow the disrespect meted out to you and seek refuge in online articles about how to get more respect from your partner and other such half-baked strategies? Eventually all such mistaken attempts boil down to the fact that you are trying to control another person’s thoughts, feelings and actions, which we agreed above – as in the case of love – is just not practical.

So what are your options – how do you get your partner to really respect you? Mahatman gives you the only foolproof answer – by building respect and esteem for your own Self. And there are many ways of doing this.