When you drive a car, there must be many vehicles passing by you at a higher and lower speeds. Do you get anxious for not getting the way by focusing on all of them? Do you focus only on your drive and ignore others? Or you focus on how to get your way out while considering other cars and reach your destination. At the same time, space and time is created for others to have their drive and reach their destination. So, what is selfishness?

The combination of ‘self’ and ‘ish’ is selfish. Selfishness is a virtue. It is simply focusing on yourself amidst others. It is focusing on ourselves without ignoring others. It is feeling, thinking, doing for one’s own self, for one’s own growth and development. Selfishness is an important element of Great wisdom that a human striving for greatness in life should have in him. It is necessary to our survival instinct in nature. Big words like compassion and generosity are built on self-love while selfishness is a mandatory component of self-love. So, never shy from being selfish. First feel, fulfill yourself then fulfill others along with yourself. It simply means, you ‘focus’ ‘prioritize’ and ‘value’ YOU. 

And, what is not selfish?

Selfishness does not mean rejecting others. It’s not self- obsession, self-centeredness, it is not narcissism. Selfishness is not fulfilling one’s interest at the cost of others. All I am saying is make yourself the ‘focus’ the ‘center’ of everything! Doesn’t mean you eliminate or ignore the world! There is also nothing called good selfishness or bad selfishness; it is a virtue of self-love which is mandatory to reach your full potential.

Selflessness, sacrifice, generosity is not the opposite of selfishness. These are mandatory qualities to a selfish being.

The negative extreme of selfishness is self-centeredness or narcissism while the positive extreme is Altruism(Great generosity) while the opposite of being selfish is ‘being otherish’. When you only think of others and try to please them then you are being otherish. And when you only think of yourself it is not selfish it is self-centeredness, it’s being a narcissist. Be selfish, not otherish. Don’t try to please others, please yourself. And to be selfish, you have to be honest. This will reduce lots of stress, fear, anxiety, etc that you probably would go through if you always make yourself please others. No matter what sacrifices you make, to what extent you live for others, you are going to be called selfish by someone anyway!

Had Bill Gates not thought about his own desire and needs, would he be able to serve humanity on such a massive scale? Selflessness on other hand is actually a beginner’s action. A child when is born learns to love its mother first, then others too eventually as he grows he learns to think about himself and love himself. While true love roots in the foundation of selfishness. That’s why true love is ‘self-love’. You become the source of love that flows to others. Selflessness is not the opposite of selfishness. Selflessness is actually the beginning of selfishness. Selfless love alone is forced, it is draining, it is done at expense of oneself/own-self. I call it wannabe love. Hence, it is a beginner thing, an initial to self love i:e true love. So, if you love someone, observe, if it energizes you or drains you, if it energizes you more then you truly love yourself and through that love happens between beings. This now becomes the source of energy again. Hence, there is a flow of higher intensity of energy and not the drain of energy. It is automatic/natural not forced, like selfless love.

Be selfish to be authentic, happier, attractive, and always charismatic. Well, it takes courage, guts and some kind of personal strength to be selfish. It also oozes great personal strength!

It takes a great deal of personal strength to be selfish. So, to be selfish you have to become strong. It is not easy to be selfish, that’s why people are easily attracted to other behaviors as we are social animals living in culture and tradition. Like doing sacrifices of oneself, becoming followers of others, or giving life in the name of religion. Talking about military people giving life, they let go of their life to save someone they love, it comes to the survival of oneself or someone you love. Now, selfishness also gives you strength and power that cascades across in the form of charisma, the appeal of personality for people to be inspired with. You have a great deal of emotional discipline and personal strength. It takes courage and effort to be selfish. You will need to say no to many things you do not agree to or want. 

This is the way to having the best relationship with oneself and the best relationship with others. Selfishness helps you to fulfill your needs. Hence, You are no needier. Even in sexual approaches you need to be selfish, both the beings involved should think about their needs and demand it from each other. Evolutionary biologists suggest that selfishness is the reason behind why we collaborate as a species and why there is reciprocity (direct or indirect reciprocity) coevolution, a win-win aspect to human’s coexistence. Especially women and girls need to be selfish, the best way to care about others is to first care about yourself…be ‘grounded’ like the tree who realizes its full potential by first fulfilling its own needs and then serving others in various forms. 

When nature wants you to survive as a being, as a community, and humanity as a whole then selfishness becomes the foundation for survival. In other words, nature wants you to be selfish, it’s the culture, tradition, religion, the politicians, the gurus, and the parents who consciously or unconsciously spread this negativity and unacceptability. Choose enterprise over ease. Richard Dawkins in his book, the selfish gene he explains how we are a survival machine, and survival is rooted in the ‘selfishness of genes’. At the very core of our being and our existence, we are selfish. Nature has designed us to be selfish. Why? Because then, we can evolve individually as well as a species. Nature is telling us and we are ignoring it and that is why we are suffering so much. Under the name of sacrifice, people are committing suicide of their hopes and dreams. For instance, in most of the typical traditional families, a married woman sacrifices their wishes, hopes, and dreams for the sake of their parents, husbands, and children. And many do not even have the realization of the wrong done to them. In such a patriarchal society, all the religious and political leaders want you to follow them and serve their purpose. So, you are taught ‘don’t be selfish’ since childhood to suicide your dreams and serve their purpose instead of yours. Even men are raised to fulfill their parents’ dreams to a large extent, parents look for support for old age and secure their own future. While as a human even parent should work hard and become self-sufficient and let your children flourish, fulfill their dreams. All, this seems to be very primitive for this day and age. It was ok when living in a tribe was necessary for survival. But, not today! Now, we live in a global society, where everyone as an individual needs to realize their full potential.

Do you often question the purpose of your life? Pondering over what life means to you? And what are your aims?

It is okay to think like that!

Most of us suffer through a phase in our life where we begin to doubt our very existence. That is called “Existential Crises”, we wonder what life means and what our purpose in life is as a whole. We develop a break in our thinking pattern wherein we are faced with life’s big question! Have you ever wondered why we do not face such a crisis in our childhood? It is because during our childhood things hardly matter to us; we do not dwell ourselves in deep thinking.

We all have this desire to exist for a reason; and here is where lies the beginning of our existential problems. According to various psychologists, there is no predetermined meaning to our lives nor there is any authority figure designing our lives. Life exists in itself and beyond itself and it is intrinsically meaningless. Whenever our sense of logic and reason confront this fact; that the nature of life and our self appears not to agree with the same order or reason, we can often find ourselves in existential crises.

Turn this negative into a positive side.

The term “existential crises” has its own roots in the philosophy of existentialism.  Existentialists view this whole subject matter differently than a psychiatrist and psychologists. They view anxiety as an inevitable part of human life, something that everyone will experience and is positive teaching us important lessons of our life. Existential philosophers do not see this as despairing rather as a reason for us to live. If we are not created with a purpose, we must ourselves create one to define our existence through our choices and actions. 

Such situations make us “deep thinkers” allowing us to self-talk with ourselves. Isn’t it great? Self-talk shall open up so many answers to you. Don’t be disturbed rather realize it as a good sign allowing you to reflect on your nature. Once we realize this is a good sign, our mind opens up and it is ready for further reflection.

Contemplations make you aware of who you are and one of the contemplations is looking at yourself; your nature. Take the palm of your hand and look at it with your mental eye which is like a microscope. What do you see? Skin and muscles right? Now increase the magnification and all you see is cells, neutrons, protons, and tiny cellular bodies. What you discover is a bundle of energy. It is the limitation of your eye that makes you feel small and inferior, nevertheless, if you put on your microscope, you see your nature full of energy. These contemplations help you overcome identity crises.

“You are energy and somebody next to you is too.”

Looking at nature with your telescope, you see a greater space system; the near universe. You need to keep expanding your consciousness and eventually you witness the merger of smallest and the biggest things. Use your physiology to change your psychology; go for a walk or a run. Your heart starts pumping and your mind starts diverting. I think breathing is the best alternative for such crises.  When you tie your mind to your breath, it does not wander around and is not hijacked. Secondly, changing your physiology of the body by movements would help you get control of your thoughts.

An existential crisis means that you are starting to find yourself, your true self. And if you follow that path to its conclusion, you’ll find that life is much simpler than what it was before, that your self is an illusion and much of what we give value to in life has little to no meaning; certainly not in the way we thought of as before. Even Elon Musk isn’t immune to an existential crisis (although he had his much earlier in life than most as a teenager—which probably shouldn’t be surprising). An existential crisis can help you “push off the bottom” with a blank canvas. Choosing to create purpose comes after this important turning point. You can turn your newfound awareness into action and have the rest of your life to create your masterpiece. 

THE ANXIETY OF CHOOSING PROPERLY.

With so many choices and options, how are we even supposed to decide?

 We all are free to make our own choices to make our life better or worse. Most of us would choose such freedom as opposed to others who won’t. However, such choices come with a responsibility of bearing the consequences of your own choices. How often do you have struggles while making a decision and are feared of being wrong? Such fears about making wrong choices cause anxiety leading to great despair. Existentialists are of the view that sadness and anxiety caused through such feelings exist because there is no right path and no guide to tell us what to do. 

With an existential crisis, the problem lies in getting satisfying answers to the questions. The lack of answers further triggers personal conflict from inside leading to frustration and chaos. Such a crisis can affect any person at any age, however, the only difference lies in the intensity. For example, a college student moving away from home or an adult going through a difficult divorce might feel as though their foundation of life is crumbling. For existentialists, such a crisis is considered a journey, an awareness, a necessary experience and a complicated process. This type of crisis is likely to follow despair or a major event like trauma or a loss. “Existential Crisis” is just an umbrella term that can be used to describe varied issues.

French Author and journalist, Albert Camus has argued that if you can stop giving an end to your life and start living for the act of being itself, then your life becomes fully integrated. Such a crisis may ask you to move towards authenticity which may also result in greater anxiety. Many people go through a sudden life changing event like marriage or divorce, retiring, graduations and many more; these stressful situations could also cause existential crises.

Existential-Humanistic Approach.

It seeks to offer people a greater awareness of how their emotions come together to form their experiences. It helps people to answer larger questions embedded behind depression, anxiety and other causes of mental angst and worries. Though this approach is not universally applicable; action-oriented people who want to know what to do to get over their insecurities and worries, do not really care about the root cause of the insecurities. This approach was introduced in the 1940s in the United States. It can be traced back to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs pyramid.

“Whoever has learnt to be anxious in the right way, has learnt the ultimate.” Soren Kierkegaard (Danish Philosopher)

Combat Existential Crises.

Research shows we spend the vast majority of our modern lives indoors. Your mind is highly active during an existential crisis, but what about your body? Don’t neglect physical movement during this time. Even something as simple as a short walk outside can be a restorative break and take your mind off things.

REFRAME YOUR MINDSET.

You believe your life is meaningless? I agree it becomes hard to see through a positive mindset. But if you tell yourself that your life has no worth, you will manifest that into your own existence. So it is important to reframe your thoughts and mindset by doing things that add value to your life. You can join a club, volunteer or explore yourself.

MAINTAIN A JOURNAL.

This can be a great way to release your emotions out of your body and onto paper. You could create a negative and positive list of people, places and situations of your life. You can convert this into your gratitude journal in which you may realise that there are so many things you are thankful for.

ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.

If you wonder what is your purpose in life? Becomes overwhelming and unmanageable. Instead break your questions down into smaller yet simpler versions. Ask yourself,”What should i do this weekend which will make me happy.?

IT IS OKAY TO BE IMPERFECT.

It is important to relieve yourself from the pressure of becoming perfect and having perfect answers to all your questions. Accepting the fact that you cannot know all can relieve you from stress.

MEDITATION. 

It will help you replace negative thoughts and prevent anxiety to go away.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT.

A counselor or a psychologist may be a safe space for you to talk through your existential crises and perhaps would give you the guidance to the right path. Existential therapy allows you to decide your own way of therapy and talk about problems that matter to you. Existential therapists help you build a plan to make your life more fulfilling, adding people and activities that can help you boost your mood.

When Facebook introduced the like button a few years back, it altered the whole era of social media. Now, it is difficult to imagine life without LIKES. People have always needed approval because human beings are social creatures and that is why we turn towards social media. It is, as we need others to survive. Thailand’s Department of Mental Health warned about how the obsession with likes on social media could affect the mental health of young people. The Dove Self-Esteem project further concluded that almost two-thirds of women felt prettier how they look online than actual. If you look clearly, you can see the effect social media has on us. Social media platforms have allowed us to be more open and vocal about our feelings. By putting a picture on social media, you open yourself to feedback from others. You make yourself vulnerable to others and if we do not get it, what worse could happen? If you have low self-esteem, and you do not get likes as much as you expected, you are going to feel worse about yourself.

 Instagram, the most popular social media outlet among some millennials and most gen z’s, has an algorithm in regards to what we see every time we go on the internet. It is already commonly known that if we search something on the web, the internet tracks our history, and all of a sudden, we start seeing advertisements related to that search on our Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat etc. A teenage girl goes to Victoria Secret and buys clothing online and now all of a sudden these edited photos of seemingly perfect thin models with nice hair and clear skin are appearing all in your feed. A teenage boy goes online and buys a protein shake and now all they see are gym rats enforcing toxic masculinity expressing that people will be more desirable once they have big arms and a six-pack.  A 2019 Pew research study shows that nearly 20,000 teens were at a heightened risk for anxiety and depression solely because of their frequent social media use. In today’s society, people believe that their popularity, beauty, and self-esteem all stems from the number of likes they receive on the internet. This can be threatening to one’s self-esteem and makes people feel discouraged if they pretend to be what they are not. Our perspective towards things in our life has changed drastically, all thanks to social media. We live in a society, where we care more about spending money on sassy clothes just to post it on Instagram, rather than spending on necessities.

Social Media Platforms such as Instagram and Facebook are often used as a way to fit in and encourage mob behavior. We have fallen into the trap of conforming as per the societal norms. “Everyone has fun showing their summer pictures or their new life at college, I should too”. We want acceptance from our peers and social media is one place where we go to seek that. Social media likes are like social currencies we use to transact on Apps. When videos of people go viral that is what we call “clout”; having power on a certain social media outlet. What is even more frustrating is that edited images of celebrities by magazines, paparazzi, and often the celebs themselves always seem to have this enormous number of likes on their posts. This perpetuates a cycle because young adults and teenagers see this perfect body, skin, and hair as factors that contribute to the increased number of likes and see that as a way they can increase their own likes and get that extra release of dopamine. The FOMO – fear of missing out is a great accelerator. If anyone else is using the media and if someone doesn’t join in they experience the fear of missing out new trends. Missing experiences can create anxiety and depression as people feel they are excluded from an activity.

FOLLOWERS AND LIKES – People usually determine their self-worth by the number of likes they receive on social media. Isn’t that illogical? These likes boost either people’s ego or self-esteem. Nevertheless, there are better ways to boost both.

CYBERBULLYING – How many of you have not faced bullying on social media? Be it any kind of. This can lead to a drop in confidence among people who already have fewer levels of self-esteem.

CATFISH – I want you to think this through: Are you really, what you show on social media? It is easier to pretend on social media and ignore the real-world practicalities.

COMPARISONS – Whatever others post on social media does not reflect their full story.

ADDICTION – The deadliest one. You need to control this one, as it is Unhealthy.

It is not bad to be concerned about what others think about you – it is natural – the very basics of humanity. However, it is equally important to be comfortable and satisfied with your own thoughts and feelings. To know what we love and think is enough; hashtag we do not need a button to give us validation. PERIOD.

“You are always one step away from a different life.”

—Them Benjamin’s

One has to be content even with the small steps they take. For every decision, you make, you experience different things. Whatever you decide, think about the short term as well as your long term goals. A decision is not for today but for the coming times, let not your emotions overrule it. Make it wisely, because there is never a “U-turn” from that part of life. Our life is full of decisions, be it what to eat, what to wear, where to go, etc.! Making good decisions requires a great deal of patience and determination. Most of us ignore the mental processes that lie behind our choices. Nevertheless, research by psychologists has brought attention to such processes and help us make better choices. 

 Be fearless; almost every decision that we take involves predicting the future. Whenever making a decision we naturally tend to think about the outcomes we will face ahead. In addition, we usually choose decisions that surge our happiness. Always remember whatever the future holds for you is either a blessing or learning. Count those things and learn from them. Small things result in a much bigger outcome and not taking those shall make you stagnant. Never hesitate and procrastinate, the things you face now will make you stronger tomorrow.

“Walk wisely and inspire others to walk wisely.”

“Do not be unfree in a free world.”

In the modern world, life is complicated. We make a living to please others in our lives and keep up with strangers on social media. Achieving personal freedom is not an easy task; to attain something, one always has to let go of something. To seek immense personal freedom, let go of your fears and horrors. Overcoming the fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of success and fear of failure and criticism would lead you to attain personal freedom. Fear blocks your mind with clouds and hinders your own attitude. It is like dark clouds in your mind disrupting you to see the good in you. The biochemical state that fear creates in your body affects your immunity and enhances your risk to viruses. Here are some steps to turn your fear into faith. 

NOTICE YOUR FEARS. Do a scan through your whole body and assess where you feel the fear. It shall help you break the fear trance. BREATHE. Take a deep breath and this will calm your bodily sensations and lower your blood pressure. TAKE BABY STEPS. Start small towards the road of approaching your fear. FOCUS ON THE BIGGER PICTURE. When you are up against any kind of fear or a challenge, always a bigger picture lies beyond – the ultimate goal.

 Keep in mind – Words are cheap but real freedom is expensive. It requires giving up things that are standing in the way of your freedom. Give up your stability – there is no such thing as certainty. Get rid of incompatible people, some people have different values than you and it is perfectly okay. Stop fearing money; otherwise, you will not be able to make more. Wishing, hoping, wanting all is waste if you take no action. Develop a warrior’s attitude and be brave to fight your own battle. Fears are nothing but just your mere state of mind. Everything you ever wished lies on the other side of the fear; so I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and face certain challenges. When one experiences peace and power together, the feeling is amazing. You start balancing yourself and you are filled with rage and challenging yourself. You start expressing yourself to the fullest and start loving yourself.

“Nature is incredible, it never fails to inspire me.”

“For everything there is a season and a reason.”

Nature possibly is one of the best teachers of inculcating in ourselves the values of presence and awareness. Nature shall allow you to live in the present and make you aware of your emotional state. Nature teaches you to be authentic and raw giving you chances to be alone with yourself in a non-judgemental scenario. The Mahatman philosophy encourages disciplines in the areas of health, wealth, and wisdom. Self-discipline allows you to stick to your own decisions and follow them thoroughly. This would lead to increased self-confidence, self-esteem, and happiness.

Great health should be maintained by daily exercises and a healthy diet. Research suggests that a healthy positive attitude helps build a healthier immune system. Great Wealth helps you to be stable through managing your time and energy.  Taking accountability for your own actions will help you learn and pursue new knowledge. Great Wisdom comes through realizing your own potential and knowing who you can be. 

“Each facet of nature insinuates self-discipline among us.”

““Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.”

—John Rockefeller

Greatness is no longer the physical strength inside a person, it is something innate; the desire to become most powerful.  Today we live in a world which according to the famous author Steven Pinker is the most peaceful era of all time. We have freedom like we never had before and the technology that is best to suit our needs. Medical science has bestowed us with longevity and yet with all this abundance, we are unhappy.  We are happy and yet we are unhappy. The reason being that we are not wired for complacency. We are meant to become what we can be. We are meant to express ourselves to the fullest of our potentials. If this world is a cocktail then we are a steady mix of Intuition and rationality. We have to make the most of it. All of you who are now reading this book, have that hunger inside of you to not just be happy, you have this insatiable desire to settle for nothing less than being great.  

We must seek greatness and not happiness – Happiness is our natural state of existence. Look at the animals around you, and the birds, and butterflies, they are all happy and carefree. But that is what sets us apart from the rest of the creatures. There is a blueprint for greatness inside each one of us, which yearns and craves for scaling the zenith of our potential. Happiness will make us all feel hunky-dory, but sooner or later we will all languish into complacency. At all times we must avoid the garden of low hanging fruits. We must choose what must be done over what makes us happy. We have to push our limits and make some tough choices. That is how we shall all turn into indomitable forces of greatness. There is a beautiful movie by the name “Hurricane” about a former middleweight boxer who was wrongly convicted for a triple murder in a bar in Paterson, New Jersey. I love a statement made by the eponymous Rubin Hurricane Carter- “I will always be the Hurricane and the Hurricane is beautiful” We must all strive to raise a storm of greatness in this happy life of ours. We must be great.  

We hear a lot about self-realization and knowing yourself, but in this path of self-realization, it’s equally important to know who we can be. Moving from Self- realization to self-actualization makes you transcend from who you are to who you can be.  To become the best version of yourself and to express yourself the best, keep focusing on the power of your core; your inner self. Recognize your inner being and stimulate your energies towards the good. One should walk towards the infinite route, only to find their true self. The thirst is eternal. Create stories and live them. When the future is uncertain, make sure you step slowly on the path leaving no trails. 

 On the route of such an adventurous journey, push yourself to achieve the extraordinary. “If you rise in love with yourself, Life itself will fall in love with you.”

“Your Attitude and Thinking are the potent source towards Stress.”

The experiment of “is your glass half-empty or half-full?” reflects your outlook towards life and your personality. Research has suggested that traits such as optimism and pessimism affect many areas of your health and wellness. The positive thinking that comes with optimism is usually an effective part of stress management. You ought to approach unpleasant problems in a more positive and productive way. Chant the mantra, “ Try, try till you succeed.” The whole process starts with self-talk which if done always leads to greater changes in your attitude. If you run negative thoughts in your mind, you shall develop a pessimistic approach.

“If you think good, you perceive good.”

Research done by a doctor at Stanford University suggests the same – your thinking reflects the way you handle the stress. Remember, a negative mind can never give you a positive life. It is only when you step out of your comfort zone, you endure the path of growth and transformation. Whenever you are faced with a problem, follow the steps:

ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM. Accept that the problem exists and question yourself about them. Denial is not a solution to all the problems that we face in life. However, acceptance rather than avoidance is a better solution.

DON’T OVERTHINK. It is a human tendency to exaggerate all our problems into situations that don’t exist. You need to monitor your own thoughts and check them for any kind of fault. 

HIT THE ORIGIN OF THE PROBLEM. Sometimes you may not be able to detect the root cause of the problem for a long time. Get up and find it out because that is where you need to hit it.

EMBRACE THE CHALLENGE. Dealing with problems and embracing them will make you more competent and more empathetic towards others.

If you tend to have a negative outlook, do not expect to develop a positive mindset overnight. Nevertheless, with developing positive habits of self-talk and self-acceptance you may become less critical. When you eventually become optimistic, you shall be able to handle everyday stress in a more organized way.

Your taste and style of reading reflect what kind of a person you are. Therefore read not for the society, but for yourself.