“Beware the irrational, however seductive. Shun the ‘transcendent’ and all who invite you to subordinate or annihilate yourself. Prefer dignity for yourself and others. Don’t be afraid to be thought arrogant or selfish. Picture all experts as if they were mammals. Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence. Suspect your own motives, and all excuses. Do not live for others any more than you would expect others to live for you.”

― Christopher Hitchens, Letters to a Young Contrarian

Name one of the most persistent lessons you were taught as a kid by practically all adults around you. Yes, that’s right – “Be nice”. Culture and social convention repeatedly drill into kids how crazy important it is to be nice. Undoubtedly being humane and well-mannered enhance our chances of being well adjusted members of society as adults. But then Mahatman demands that you be so much more. Mahatman demands that you move beyond being well-adjusted to powerfully Self Actualized and for this you need to be selfish where your own worth and interests are concerned.

The other aspect of being nice is constantly being told to put the other person’s interests ahead of yours – in return you are labelled noble, pure, giving by society and upheld as a great model. But Mahatma tells you that is all bunkum and it goes further to lay bare this compulsion to sacrifice as the machinations of people in power – like patriarchs, religious heads, dictators – who want you to serve their interests. So while the western world has been raised to catechisms like “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), the east has its own sayings like “If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.” You are raised to be the nice guy or girl who works hard to please everybody else, gives more than gets and is told that this is so good for your own happiness. Meanwhile nothing gets done in your own life and you are apt to find yourself stuck in a rut, unable to move forward for fear of offending people or simply because you have not picked up the tools and skills because you were so busy being just Mr or Miss Nice.

On the macro level, selflessness is used by systems for exploitive purposes. Patriarchy and religion condition women, children and even young men to be selfless so that the army of followers expands;  you are systematically brainwashed to lose your own potential, give up your own creative worth and stamp down your imagination and all this makes it easier for the propagators of ideals to enforce unquestioned allegiance. The great Humanist psychologist Maslow said, “We must not always take unselfish behaviour as its face value, for it may cover up a good deal of hostility, jealousy, and even hatred.”

So you should be aware of your inner motivations when you interact with your family and friends – are you doing something for your family so that it will lead to collective wellbeing or are you doing it merely out of fear or worse, to secretly manipulate others in doing what you want eventually? There are so many things we end up doing for others even if we don’t want to. It could be covering for a co-worker for a missed meeting, accompanying your partner to a business convention you have zero interest in or giving in to your kid’s tantrum by buying an expensive toy. This habit of selflessness is highly corrosive in the long run – it not only gnaws away at your own self worth but ultimately damages your relationships too.

Instead practice selfishness when dealing with people – even if they are your loved ones. Put across your preferences and plan of action rather than appearing to agree on the outside and seething in resentment from the inside. If your family and friends really care for you, they will work together with you to arrive at mutually suitable solutions. Indeed when it is a matter of your chosen goals and core potential, then you simply have to choose yourself over others. Be unapologetic about your decisions – people may hurl accusations and abuse at you but take it as proof that you are doing right – by yourself.

What is the first thing flight attendants tell you about safety practices when flying “If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your own mask first, and then assist the other person.” How is it that we forget this basic lesson about self-preservation in face of social pressures? Selfishness teaches you to protect and care for your own self which is the first rule of existence – selfishness is indispensable for basic survival.

But that is not all – we have already seen from Mahatman Great Health practices how self-care – expressed through physical exercise, nutritious diet and mindfulness – can help you live healthier and longer. But all this is possible only through the attitude of selfishness. Imagine you are just getting ready for your morning run and your partner tells you to fix breakfast for him since he morning meeting has been rescheduled and he has to leave early. In such a situation you need to put your health first and still go for that run – perhaps he can rustle something up for himself or you can pick up a sandwich for him on your way back. Look at all the dynamic leaders of society – most are in good shape because they make time for self-care. They put their own health needs first, no matter how much they are called upon to give to their family, company or country.

Research has also shown that being selfish can lead to concrete benefits for your mental wellbeing. A 1997 widely cited research on professional psychologists by J Coster and M Schwebel  found direct effects of self-care on well-being. Later a 2010 survey of mental health professionals carried out by Kelly Richards and his team revealed that mindfulness is a significant mediator between self-care and well-being.   So if professionals trained to guide others on mental health are themselves advised self-care, imagine how much more important is it for you and me to practice the same?

Another study carried out by Stanford’s Graduate School of Business (GSB) and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed that individuals who act in their own self-interest are more likely to gain dominance and leadership recognition than those who exhibit altruistic characteristics.

This book talks about how self-confidence simply shoots up you attractiveness quotient. And the way to achieve all that is by putting your own self first. Selfishness makes you authentic since you make clear that you will put your own wellbeing first. A man or woman rocking this kind of Self Confidence simply oozes charisma and glamour. So if you have always wondered why you feel invisible in groups and people walk all over you, it is time to stand up and demand what is yours – you will not only make others sit up and take notice of you but you are sure to feel very, very sexy too.

But before people get ready to twist the Selfishness mantra to suit their destructive intents, Mahatman makes it clear true Selfishness should be grounded in sense of justice and fair play. So if your selfish behaviours emerged from intentions to exploit and hurt others, you are going down the self-destructive way. Selfishness is actually about protecting your own interests and not attacking those of others. Whenever you are in doubt whether an action of yours is self-preserving or destructive, ask yourself whether is fair to all parties concerned; whether it is based on principles of justice? So selfishness will make you say no to a friend requesting help with a school project that it is his job to complete. In this case you are neither being unfair nor unjust in refusing help. But if the same task is a shared project and you tell your mates to complete it because you would rather be working on a paid assignment of your own, then your selfish behaviour is unfair to your group. In this case you should be pitching in to do your bit in the school project.

This may seem straight out of a handbook of oxymorons but if you simply pause to think about it, you will realize why Mahatman believes that Selfishness and Generosity are really two sides of the same coin. In the Great Wealth chapter, you already came across how working for your own fulfilment can actually lead to giving. This is complete contradiction to popular wisdom about giving and helping others before you do it for yourself. But ask yourself how much help you can be to others if you have nothing of your own. Likewise how can you really care for others if you don’t look after your own physical and psychological health first? So be selfish by all means – put your own health and finances first but once you have enough, ensure that you are generous to others. The legendary basketball player Michael Jordan puts across the idea in an excellent quote.

“To be successful you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don’t isolate. “

-Michael Jordan ,Basketball player 

Selfishness is really the sign of true enlightenment. You can focus on yourself only if you know who you really are, only when you are completely aware of your innermost potential, dreams, values and abilities. Selfishness makes it possible to live in the space of self-awareness and function from a position of psychological abundance. Only then will you have the clarity and space to reach out to Self-Actualization as outlined by Mahatman philosophy. Once you are motivated by healthy selfishness, you are well on the road to become a unique person, to learn, grow, and achieve ultimate fulfillment.

Clearly it is easy to be selfless. Not having to think for yourself, to plan for your own improvement and work towards it comes across as a relief for many. This is because it means not having to make that extra effort, to put in that extra hour or mile towards making goals and working towards them. Not surprisingly it is actually difficult to be selfish. It takes courage and personal strength to put your own interests ahead of others. So when someone criticizes me for being selfish, I just break out into a big grin and say, “Thanks buddy for the compliment!”

One consequence of being brought up as the Nice Girl or Nice Guy is that you are taught to accommodate other people’s requests, favours and impositions. Break out of the Nice Guy/Girl mould and learn to say no when you do not want to do or commit to something. Learn to refuse politely but firmly when that request or order run against your own interest or indeed does not contribute to your interests at all. There is nothing worse for your own health and success than being a people pleaser. This lesson is especially important for women in traditional cultures since they have been conditioned to always put others’ needs ahead of their own. Learn to recognize that such people have trained you never to say no so that their own demands are always fulfilled first.

Unless you have the personal strength and self-belief to stand up against others, you cannot really focus on yourself. People will label you a jerk, narcissist, family wrecker and so on. This is why you need self-confidence to deal with this kind of negativity. Check out the Self Confidence chapter in this book and practice the tips given.

Mahatman tells you again that peace, balance and happiness are overrated. It takes little to feel “a subjective sense of well-being” – which is how psychologists define happiness. But once you achieve this, then what? What about the peaks you have dreamt of conquering, the creative heights to which you wish to soar to and the immense potential that you know lies simmering just beneath the surface of your consciousness, waiting to be rise like a Phoenix from the death of mundane everydayness? Being selfish is to take the initiative to make all of this happen and more. Stop listening to the naysayers and put-dowers – Go all out and create everything that you have ever wanted to.

Even as you go all out to make things happen, be ready to take full responsibility of everything that unfolds. it is easy to enjoy the ride as long as things are going your way but the moment they do not, you might start looking about for people and things to blame.  Say you have always dreamt of chucking your 9 to 5 job and start your own enterprise. You take the plunge and you feel liberated. You make your first sales and it feels you are finally approaching the actualization of your potential and skills. But the moment a client cheats you or a supplier plays dirty, you are desperately looking for people to blame. In such instances, remember the Mahatman mantra ‘Decisions make destiny’.  Blaming genes, gods, systems will suck you back in the negative loop of passivity, incompetence and low self-esteem so that you will never reach self-actualization. Instead tell yourself that though you cannot control external agents, you can take complete ownership of your situation – learn from your oversight or mistakes and then apply them in real life. Only then will you have the philosophical resilience to practice selfishness and work towards your own Self Actualization. Like Ayn Rand puts its so succinctly in her epoch-making book The Virtue of Selfishness,

 “I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.”

–  Ayn Rand

Be selfish about everything with the exuberance of a child. Be selfish to get up early and gobble up the sunrise and fill your ears with birdsong and your lungs with the clement morning air. Be selfish to go for a long walk and indulge your brain to think about life and your purpose in it, and how you can make it better. Be selfish about having great food on your plate and crisply ironed clothes neatly arranged in your wardrobe. Be selfish about reading, devour all the great literature you can with a purpose. Be selfish about music, listen to some great music which stirs your soul and gives you goose bumps and inspires you to be alive and vibrant with a cornucopia of life affirming emotions. Be selfish about the movies, go all the way to get inspired by your larger than life celluloid heroes. Be selfish about nature and wilderness, lose yourself in the verdure with happy abandon without a map or a watch. Put yourself ahead of everyone else including your family, your kids, and in the long run they will thank you for the values you instilled in them, values essential to self-preservation and thriving. Be utterly selfish about your work, work with a fever pitch like your next meal depends on it. Cordon yourself from all distractions and gratifications till you complete your short term goals. Be selfish about those gaps of respite, fill them up with self-improving activities. Let every moment in your life be either a teaching or a learning moment. Teach selfishly in the interest of leaving a great legacy behind. Learn even more selfishly, learn belligerently, and learn with a feisty spirit. Learn to be on the top of the unknown. Be selfish to harness knowledge by stripping the unknown of its superstition and prejudice. Be selfish in this very life. Do not get caught in the idolatrous snare of the hereafter. Be selfish for time, earn every iota of it. Fill it up with immense productivity and creativity. Be selfish about art and writing and doodling and painting, let every work of art be a great catharsis. Be selfish against entropy and chaos. That is the beauty of human life. Be selfish about hard work. That is the only miracle which will beget greatness.

Let me ask you who will be able to write the best love letters? Not the person who loves someone else but the person who loves himself or herself. Your love for someone else is like filling somebody else’s cup without filling your own. First go on filling your own cup with love and never stop filling it. Let it spill over, there is no need to stop that when you are full. Let is cascade to others and fill their cups. Be utterly centred in Selfishness when you are giving, but also be centred in it, when you are not giving. Learn to say NO. Not everything you are asked for can be given. Weigh the demand rationally on the scale of your selfishness. You do not need to please others at the cost of displeasing yourself. Treat your Self-interest like a brand new car. Do not let even a dent appear in it nor a scratch. Be a pachyderm and guard yourself zealously. Do not let the divers covet the insides of your shell. Focus on yourself, realize, and actualize. Be assured when the time is right, you will be giving oysters to the world.

Big bang of Selfishness:

1. Selfishness means focusing on yourself.
2. We take extreme ownership for everything that happens to us. It empowers us.
3. Selfishness is a sign of true enlightenment. It allows us to live in that space of self-awareness.
4. Selfishness and self-confidence feed on each other and lead to awesome personal power.
5. Learn to say no, stop pleasing people. Be firm, resolute, rooted and make choices rooted in selfishness.

References:

Coster, J. S., & Schwebel, M. (1997). Well-functioning in professional psychologists. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 28(1), 5-13.

Kelly Richards, C. Campenni, and Janet Muse-Burke (2010) Self-care and Well-being in Mental Health Professionals: The Mediating Effects of Self-awareness and Mindfulness. Journal of Mental Health Counseling: July 2010, Vol. 32, No. 3, pp. 247-264.