“Do you know what makes someone beautiful? Confidence. You don’t have to have this shape eyes or that shape lips. No one seems to be able to decide which shape is best anyway. You can have every kind of blemish. It’s confidence that attracts people. That’s what everybody’s looking for. It’s what no potion can really give you. And believe me, Belle, you’ve got it. You’ve got it if you want it.”
― Daniel Nayeri, 

Another FausT

“You’ve got it if you want it”

what a perfect crystallization of the super abundant power that lies pulsating in this concept – Self-Confidence. When you believe in your goals, have faith in your mission and strive tirelessly to sharpen your competence, you are self-confident. Mahatman believes that this is not a quality bestowed upon you by trendsetters, passed on by your parents or bought at a store. It is a skill that is glows like gold only when it makes the journey through the flame of strife and ambition. In return what it gives to you is priceless – Self-Confidence is the wind beneath your wings that helps you prosper and soar towards your goals; it is the fire in your soul that powers you to Self-Actualization and makes Greatness possible.

Self-confidence helps you be comfortable in your own skin. It makes you aware of your charms and skills; it makes you appreciate who you are, all that you can be – as a result of which you feel assured about the way you look, stand, talk, smile and move through the world. You are neither in awe of those more successful than you nor do you look down upon those who are yet to match you. You are neither hostage to the exploitive systems of the world nor are you caught up in the guilt trip of your past actions. Self-Confidence in other words, makes you cross over from victimhood to victorhood.

If there is one character who oozes self-confidence from every pore, that is the 007 agent, James Bond. His personal charisma does not merely come from his licence to kill but from the fact that he is supremely self-confident in all his words and actions. His killer (pun completely intended!) good looks, suave manner and lethal competence are all undergirded by his magnetic self-confidence. One of the ways this is evident is in the easy, unapologetic way he interacts with the world. Even when doing something as simple as ordering a drink, he displays a distinct preference. Though dry martini is not a terribly posh drink, the way he requests it, precisely and without hesitation, makes him completely irresistible – not just to women but men too. This is perfectly illustrated at a poker scene from 2006’s Casino Royale where Bond details his order to the bartender.

James Bond: “Three measures of Gordon’s; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel.”

No wonder three other poker players order the same while Le Chiffre comments in barely concealed irritation, “That’s it? Hm? Anyone want to play poker now?”

Do I hear a quibble that it is all very fine for a fictional character like James Bond to sweep off both lovers and villains in the same breath but what about real people. Allow me then to usher Priyanka Chopra Jonas into the picture. This Indian actress, model, singer, producer entirely credits her massive success in the world of showbiz to self-confidence. “”Confidence is not something you are born with. It is a skill set”, she says, “You’ve got to teach yourself to take over the world.”

And this did not happen overnight for her. As a child Priyanka Chopra endured the lack of stability that comes from growing up as a military child. When studying in high school in the US, she became the target of such persistent racial abuse – being called ‘curry’ and ‘brownie’, among other things – that her parents had to bring her back to India. Growing up in a culture with intense fair skin bias, she suffered bouts of self-doubt to extent of taking recourse to fairness creams. But by using sheer will power driven by self-confidence, she worked hard to be crowned Miss World in 2000 and then kept moving from strength to strength. “I hate being a loser” she said at Brian Rose’s London Real podcast in 2017, “So I just have to keep winning,”

Models and actors all over the world can vouchsafe for this maxim as they step on to the ramp or red carpet. But think a little harder and you realize that it really holds true for all of us, even when – no wait, especially when – we are not in the arc lights. Mahatman says that Self-Confidence makes you feel empowered, energetic and above all, very, very sexy. Maya Angelou may well be describing how Self-Confidence bursts from every pore of the body when she says in her highly popular poem, Phenomenal Woman,

“It’s in the reach of my arms,

the span of my hips,

the stride of my step

the curl of my lips”

Visualize yourself being enveloped in a glittering cloud of stardust that sways and sparkles wherever you go. This is exactly how Self-Confidence makes you appear to yourself and the world at large. You feel good about yourself, you feel your heart is bursting with Self-discipline and Self-Esteem and all this infectious energy naturally flows from you to everywhere around you. So even as you are rocking your own Self-Confidence, be sure that it will make heads turn.

Life coaches and relationship experts have for long now been reiterating that Self-Confidence gives a powerful boost to your attractiveness quotient when you are out interacting with people. And to a great extent this folk wisdom has been borne out by hard research. So a 2002 study by Kenrich et al found ample evidence that people rate confidence in a potential romantic partner as a highly desirable trait. Indeed Sean Murphy of University of Queensland went a step further and “showed that overconfident self-beliefs can create a net advantage that increases mating success in competitive environments, despite the costs associated with overconfidence”. Research has shown that the reverse could be true as well – in other words people who are under-confident about themselves could lose potential romantic relationships. As far back as 1971, a laboratory experiment with 151 male undergraduates in the University of Wisconsin studied the inter-dynamics of Self-Esteem and Attraction and found that for people lacking in self-confidence, “it is most difficult for them to recognize affectionate overtures”.

Before you shrug off all this talk about Self-Confidence as some New Age mumbo-jumbo, let me discuss some modern scientific research in this field. A Darmouth College study in 2014 led by Dr. Robert Chavez identified the source of self-esteem in the connection between medial prefrontal cortex and the ventral striatum – the former is the area of brain that deals with self-knowledge while the latter is the seat of positive affect and reward mechanism. The more physically robust this connection, the higher levels of self-esteem the subjects seemed to have in the long run. This neurological evidence provides strong evidence for the argument that Self-Confidence, rather being an inborn trait, is wired in neural connections. Current techniques to cultivate self-confidence like those which focus on past successes to enhance self-image and thereby built self-confidence therefore are not based in highfalutin optimism but in hard science.

Self-Confidence is so much more than a feel-good mantra. It is the foundation stone that gives you the strength to build a Self-Image of Greatness and put in action your plan for Self Actualization. If you don’t believe in your own abilities to do all the great things you want to, how can you expect others to? You first have to start trusting your own powers and the reality of your own goals. Indian martial arts expert and actor Vidyut Jamwal who has Bollywood by storm admitted in an interview that getting a toehold in this cut-throat business is extremely difficult, more so if you arrive without family connections. But he says of the long uphill process to get notice – do it and as you do, enjoy it. The world is full of lazy and toxic people who will gladly throw a stick in your wheels if they see you rushing full steam ahead to meet your goals. These are the half-alive people who rationalize their own inefficacy, sloth and pessimism by marking out the world as a dark, unhappy place where big dreams and awesome goals as yours come crashing down. But look at such people straight in the eyes, laugh full at their face and then firmly placing yourself behind your wheels carry on – and what will provide the power in your wheels to zoom forth is your Self-Confidence.

There have been repeated studies – usually with students and athletes as subjects – that have noted a strong correlation between self-confidence levels and performance. One of these was done by professors Lazar Stankov, Suzanne Morony, and Lee Yim Ping of the National Institute of Education in Singapore who found that students who think they are skilled in math tend to perform well on math tests. In 2010, researchers from the Department of Economics in University of Munich led by Sandra Ludwig used a standard two agent Tullock contest to demonstrate that “moderate overconfidence in a contest can improve the agent’s performance relative to an unbiased opponent and can even lead to an advantage for the overconfident agent in absolute terms”. What this technical stuff means that a healthy dose of confidence can provide a very definite boost to your performance, especially in a competitive environment.

Now that you are aware of all the virtues of Self Confidence in your life, here are some practical tips in building this hugely energizing quality.

Identify your goal – Self-development guru Tony Robbins suggests that first step on the path of higher Self-Confidence is the identification of your goal. Ask yourself why do you want to feel more confident in the first place – is it to perform better at a coveted interview, seal that all important deal with a client, pop the question to the partner of your dreams or speak at an upcoming professional gala? Though Self-Confidence is a bubbling force that has the power to positively impact all aspects of your life, having the image of specific goals in your mind will help your brain to link feelings of self-worth to very concrete plans and hence make you completely unstoppable as you charge your way towards Self-Actualization

Practice competence – I just couldn’t resist another scintillating exchange between James Bond and his adversary – this time from the 1983 flick, Octopussy

Kamal Khan: “You seem to have this nasty habit of surviving.”
James Bond: “You know what they say about the fittest.”

Super smooth, right?

The easiest way to tell Self-Confidence apart from arrogance is to see which is undergirded by competence. Empty boasting is the domain of hollow vessels who do not have an iota of ability and worse still are not interested in knowing or doing better. Instead true Self-Confidence is a glittering mirror that makes you look and feel good because it has been polished by hours of painstaking effort and burnished by true grit. Follow the 10,000 hours rule as discussed in the Great Wealth section of this book, till you achieve a level of competence that provides a strong base to your Self-Confidence. And the most amazing thing is that these two feed into each other in a highly energizing loop. The more you work at getting better at a task or skill, the more assured you feel about your abilities and this in turn motivates you to practice still more and perform still better.

Fake it till you make it – But what do you do in the meantime? How do you feel confident during that long period when you are still acquiring the skills and the practice to gain competence? You fake it, of course. Sounds incorrigible? So what – indeed this is what Mahatman is all about – being so incorrigible that you force people to sit up and take notice of your grit, your ambition and your groundbreaking achievements.

To come back to the fake it approaches, confidence is really made up of two components – feeling and appearance. Everyone knows that when you feel confident, you will also look confident but the really cool part is that when you look confident, the science says it will then make you feel more confident.

Remember what we discussed in the Self Image chapter that the human brain can’t tell the difference between images of fiction and reality which is why similar affective responses can be aroused from both. In 2010, social psychologist Amy Cuddy conducted an experiment in which one group was instructed to assume a high-power pose – liking standing tall and placing their hands on their hips or holding their arms out – while another group was told to assume a low-power pose – like folding their arms inward and slouching. Both groups held their pose for two minutes. Results showed that the group which stood in a posture of confidence just for 2 minutes had 20% higher testosterone and 25% lower cortisol levels than they had started with. On the other hand, the low power pose group showed a 10% drop of testosterone and15% rise of cortisol than they have begun with. Testosterone is a hormone associated with energy and determination while cortisol is a stress-related hormone. Based on her findings Cuddy argued that even when we don’t feel too sure of ourselves, an appearance of confidence, like the high power pose can boost feelings of confidence, and might have an impact on our chances for success.

Ever so often the real challenge to your Self-Confidence emerges when you are in a crowd. While you are pretty sure of yourself when doing your own thing – studying, working, exercising – no sooner you find yourself mingling with people, you feel yourself assurance ebbing away. One easy tip to stop this from happening is to be firm and decisive about your choices. While Bond is sipping his martini in style, are you still trying to decide between a Cosmopolitan and a Blue Hawaii? See how you can do better. Think about your choices and goals well in advance and be prepared to put them on the table, when the occasion demands – without hesitation and apology. This could range from simple stuff like your favourite hobbies and cuisine to more important like causes you believe in and dreams you want to fulfill. Knowing what you want and stating it crisply makes you look sharp to others and feel self assured from within

Every day there is increasing evidence that Self-Confidence can be learnt like a skill. The human brain is fluid and forever making new neural connections. So something that you do again and again – with persistence and motivation – is actually going to alter your brain structure. Not surprisingly then Self-Confidence can be learnt by retraining your thoughts. And a good place is to start is to embrace fears which are holding you back. Behavioral therapists actually use this as a basis of a technique called Flooding to treat phobias and anxiety disorders. So if you have a fear of public speaking, actually look for events where you can barge in and take the stage even if others are agape in consternation and horror. On the other hand if asking a girl out makes you break out in a cold sweat, make it a practice to ask one girl for her phone number each day – even if you get repeatedly rejected. The point, at this stage, is not to get a real date but to vanquish the fear of asking a girl out which when done, will lead to a more confident you and then by extension, greater success in your endeavors.

Focusing on past successes is another highly effective way to enhance your Self-Confidence. Remember what we discussed about negativity bias in our Self Communication chapter – it is quite amazing how easily we seem to forget the good things that have happened to us and that we have done while all the bad things remain uppermost in our minds. The Robert Chavez study mentioned above provides a solid neurobiological basis for this method of strengthening Self-Confidence. The stronger the connection between knowledge of our past successes in our brain and feelings of reward, the higher our level of self-esteem is likely to be. So, retrain your mind to dig up past instances where you succeeded and mentally play a loud drum roll for good measure.

Building Self-Confidence need not just be an internal process. Mahatman says you can also modify your immediate environment to feel and work better. Organize the spaces where you have control over – perhaps start with tidying up your work table and then go on to de-clutter your room and home. Sweep your yard, plant flower beds if you have a garden or aromatic herbs in colourful containers if you don’t. All this is part of what Jim Rohn calls “daily disciplines” and doing up your spaces with aesthetic touches, which need not break your bank, can go a long way in enhancing the feeling of self-control and brushing up your self-image. Serve all this along with a hearty dose of Self-discipline to yourself and you can be sure of feeling more self-confident in your everyday life.

I have discussed how Self-Confidence can be differentiated from arrogance – since the former is backed by competence and the latter is not. But there are differences in effect too. Vanity and pomposity actually hold you prison to your own ego whereas true Self-Confidence makes you burst its boundaries. You feel so strong and good about yourself that you naturally enjoy all the good things of life, reach out to perfect strangers, and leave your imprint upon the world in terms of your work, endowment, mentoring or good will. This is what Mahatman describes as Extravagance that makes you work extra, love extra and give extra – in effect, live extra.

Robert Downey Jr seems a great embodiment of Self-Confidence that flows into Extravagance. A box office record-breaking actor, singer and producer, he shot to stardom, fell into disgrace and then re-forged his destiny like the Ironman he is now most famous for playing – all on his own terms and inimitable style.  Self Confidence is not just like the immeasurable sea of strength helping you realize your goals but it can make your energy flow outwards; it can break barriers of convention, mediocrity and flood the whole world with your Greatness. What better way to end this discussion than with one of his quotes that wraps up the power of Self-Confidence?

“Set goals so big that everyone thinks you are crazy, because average won’t get you to success”

 

Summary:

• Self-Confidence makes you attractive – to yourself and the world
• Self-Confidence improves your performance
• Brain science proves that Self Confidence can be learnt
• Competence is the biggest source of Self-Confidence
• Self-Confidence can make for a positive sense of Extravagance

 

References:

Sandra Ludwig und Philipp C. Wichardt und Hanke Wickhorst: Overconfidence Can Improve an Agent’s Relative and Absolute Performance in Contests; Munich Discussion Paper No. 2010-35; Ludwig-Maximilians-Universität München, Volkswirtschaftliche Fakultät, München.

Robert S. Chavez, Todd F. Heatherton, Multimodal frontostriatal connectivity underlies individual differences in self-esteem, Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, Volume 10, Issue 3, March 2015, Pages 364–370

Carney, D. R., Cuddy, A. J. C., & Yap, A. J. (2010). Power Posing: Brief Nonverbal Displays Affect Neuroendocrine Levels and Risk Tolerance. Psychological Science, 21(10), 1363–1368

https://www.opencolleges.edu.au/informed/features/self-efficacy-and-learning/

Jacobs, L., Berscheid, E., & Walster, E. (1971). Self-esteem and attraction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 17(1), 84-91.

Buunk, B. P., Dijkstra, P., Fetchenhauer, D., & Kenrick, D. T. (2002). Age and gender differences in mate selection criteria for various involvement levels. Personal Relationships, 9, 271-278

Murphy, Sean & von Hippel, William & L Dubbs, Shelli & J Angilletta, Michael & S Wilson, Robbie & Trivers, Robert & Barlow, Fiona. (2015). The Role of Overconfidence in Romantic Desirability and Competition. Personality & social psychology bulletin. 41. 10.1177/0146167215588754.